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Body of Evidence, Part II

It’s not every day that I find a dead body in the church… or anywhere for that matter, so naturally, when I do, it quickly weaves itself into my daily conversation…
 
Like this morning…
 
I was in the pool, visiting with a few friends when Lonnie, our self-appointed class clown, arrived.  
 
Lonnie is well known for acting like a seventh grade boy;  he splashes some of us, teases others, and Heaven forbid someone should leave class early!  “Ahhh….” He calls out loudly, “This class goes from 9 a.m. to 10 a.m… Why are YOU leaving early?”
 
Most of us take his antics with a grain of salt; some give it right back to him, while others try to ignore him as best they can.
 
“Hey, how ‘ya doin’?  Anything new?”  He asked.
 
DeeDee and I exchanged a knowing glance;  both of us thinking that perhaps it was time we had a bit of fun at Lonnie’s expense…
 
“Well…” I said nonchalantly.  “I found a dead body in the church yesterday…”  
 
Really?”  He asked.
 
I silently prayed, “God help me, I just can’t resist!”  Then confirmed my statement with a nod.
 
“Wow!  Was it the pastor?”
 
“No,”  I replied, “it wasn’t big enough…”
 
He wanted to know more.  “Was it male or female?”  He asked.
 
“I don’t know… I couldn’t tell… the body was laying belly down.”  I explained.
 
Lonnie continued to question me… “Well…  was it old?”
 
“I don’t know,”  I answered, “Wait a minute… it did have gray hair…”
 
I saw DeeDee smile as she quickly turned away to talk to someone else.
 
Lonnie ran his fingers through his hair;  “Oh God… oh, Jesus…”  He muttered.
 
The poor man was buying it;  hook, line, and sinker…  
 
“Lonnie!”  I spoke loudly.  “Lonnie!”
 
Finally, he looked at me.  
 
“It was a mouse.”  I said.
 
You can imagine Lonnie’s response when he realized I’d been toying with him… I’ll not repeat his exact turn of phrase.  Use your imagination.
 
Lonnie quickly recovered. He soon began talking about his favorite ways to rid himself of a mouse problem.
 
I’d opened my conversation with most of the women in the pool in the same way I had with Lonnie, stating that I’d found a dead body in the church yesterday…  
 
The ladies reacted differently… every one of them looked me in the eye and asked, “Was it a mouse?”  

For some reason, Lonnie behaved better than usual for the entire class this morning…  go figure.

Body of Evidence

I found a dead body today.  

I walked in the front door, arms laden with supplies for the Bible Study I’d volunteered to host. I carefully descended the stairs and unburdened myself at the serving counter. Then I went back to the car for the rest.  

Still, I noticed nothing wrong.

Tables needed to be rearranged to accommodate an unknown number of guests.

I went about my task, dragging one long table back to where it belonged, then returned to the meeting room and gathered plates and napkins, cups and glasses, and began to set the table for eight, hoping that would be enough.  

I thought I heard a noise and looked up, toward the stairs.

I froze.  

My right hand flew to my mouth, stifling an involuntary scream.  The body was sprawled just to the left of the stairs, near the supply of folding chairs. Its eyes were open wide and its legs were stretched straight out behind, as if it lunged forward just as it took its last breath.

A tirade of terrible words assaulted my ears…  apparently issued forth by me, for I was the only one there alive.  Those words are not a part of my normal vocabulary.  I don’t recollect taking anyone’s name in vain… except maybe the deceased.

I approached cautiously, armed with a broom should self defense or evasive measures become necessary.

I stretched out my arm, holding the broom handle with my fingertips, and poked its rump with the bristles.  It didn’t move.  Relief flooded through me.

I clapped the bristles firmly over the body and swept it into the dustpan, holding it securely in place while quickly walking to the back door, pivoting, and backing up against the push bar, opening the door without using my hands.  

The door clicked shut as I strode down the sidewalk.  I realized that I had not unlocked it… I would most likely have to hike up the hill, through scads of allergy-inducing dandelion seed heads and clouds of pine pollen, circle the building and enter once again through the front door.

Oh well.  It couldn’t be helped.  I’d taken my antihistamines, so it wouldn’t be too bad, I hoped.

I flung the body of the mouse beneath the pine trees at the edge of the church yard, breathed a sigh of relief, and hurried back inside with a twofold purpose;  to minimize my exposure to the pollen, and to finish setting up for the Study before the others arrived.

I shudder to think of what might have happened had I stepped on the carcass with my arms loaded with muffins, cheese, crackers and a large bowl of fruit salad!

The Fishing Trip

Jim was pretty excited… in a mere forty-eight hours, on Thursday morning, he would be leaving on a fishing trip with a few friends.   

I, on the other hand, would stay home.  It would be just me and our three little dogs.  I could do whatever I wanted… or nothing at all.  I was looking forward to Jim’s  trip, too, but for reasons different from his.

Things got a little crazy…

On Tuesday evening, Jim called his friend Steve, who was organizing the trip, and asked if he could pick up anything while he was in town on Wednesday morning.

Jim’s eyes got big and his jaw fell slack…  a pregnant pause ensued.  

Finally, Jim found his voice;  “Really?  Tomorrow at nine?  I thought we were leaving on Thursday…”  A bewildered Jimbo inquired.  “You’re sure?”  

The call ended and Jim sat stock still in his recliner, looking very much like the proverbial ‘deer in the headlights.’

Some minutes later, he looked at me,  “Steve said we’re leaving tomorrow morning.”

I gathered that.

Much of our conversation over the past several days centered around his upcoming trip.  I’d ask if he was taking a specific item, say rain gear or a fillet knife, and he’d give me ‘the look,’ roll his eyes, and tell me it was already in the boat.  

Now, I’ve been married to this man for over twenty-six years.  I know how he thinks.  I know what he tends to forget… things like rain gear and fillet knives;  if he’s going hunting, it’s his hunting knife or the right bullets for his rifle.  And, just because something is in the boat does not mean it’s in tip-top shape.  

I maintain that it’s a good idea to check the condition of important equipment.

I recall a time when we took the boat out for a test-run before a Canadian fishing trip.  Unbeknownst to us, mice had chewed the coiled nylon rope in the bow of the boat at about the halfway point, so when we launched the craft, the rope uncoiled until the gnawed end flipped over the side of the boat leaving the craft to float off untethered.  Jim can’t swim, so I was the one who had to swim out, fully clothed, and lead it back to shore.  

Another topic of conversation was our brand new water heater;  specifically, how it was not heating water past lukewarm.  Wayne, our neighbor was a trained electrician and he came to our aid on Tuesday evening.  He determined that one of the fuses in the designated fuse box for the water heater was blown.  We were relieved that it was a such a simple fix.  Jim was going to pick up replacement fuses when he was in town on Wednesday morning.

Jim was going to be one busy man that day… he was also planning to mow at the church, the cemetery, and at home.  He’d promised a friend that he’d check on his cattle and water his chicks, too.

I looked at the clock.  It was 8:00 p.m. on Tuesday.  “Maybe you should start packing…”  I suggested.

“I don’t know what to pack for boat food… I can’t eat lunch meat.  It makes me sick.  I’m trying to eat right.  I was going to ask you…”

I began rummaging through the fridge, taking out apples, oranges, and string cheese.  Peanut butter was added to the stash.  If nothing else, I thought, he could use it as a dip for the apples.  I pulled a moose roast from the freezer.  “The guys should like that,”  I thought.

It had rained incessantly for nearly a week.  Tuesday had been the first sunny day;  it would take at least one more day before the grass would be dry enough to cut.  I answered Jim’s unasked question;  “Yeah, I’ll mow.  I’ll pick up the fuses, too.”

“You want me to show you how to change them?” He asked.

“Nope.  I’m not touching the box!  I’ll call Wayne and see if he’ll put them in.”

Wednesday morning dawned bright, sunny, and warm.  Jim left for points north and I drove to town for my pool class followed by errands.  On the way home, I phoned Wayne, explained my predicament and asked him if he would replace the fuses.  He walked over and replaced both fuses and powered up the water heater.

POP!!!   Smoke billowed from behind the top access panel on the front of the heater.

Curses may have been uttered…  So much for a simple fix.

Wayne consulted the manual, and we called the manufacturer.  I explained my problem, then handed the phone to Wayne to relay the technical details.  It appeared that both elements had a short.

The new parts would be shipped and the repair shop would call to schedule an appointment to install them.

Fed Ex would deliver the parts before noon on Thursday, and I was to be the repairman’s last stop of the day.  In between, I’d run to town for an appointment.

I spent the remainder of Wednesday on one of two riding lawnmowers.  I loaded up on allergy meds and mowed the churchyard first, then mowed at home.  I popped another Benedryl and swallowed a Sudafed for good measure.

Thursday was as busy as promised… the elements for the water heater arrived, I ran to my appointment, waited for nearly an hour before I saw the doctor, raced back home and arrived shortly before the repairman.  

It only took him twenty minutes to replace both elements.  A short three hours later, I had piping hot water.  

I was home alone so I celebrated by dancing with the dog.  What can I say?  She’s a good sport, doesn’t divulge my secret idiosyncrasies, and she loves me.

Friday was busy, but not quite as crazy…  I taught my water aerobics class in the morning and visited a friend in the afternoon.  

Jim called while I was out.  I returned his call.  He asked about the water heater and lawn-mowing.  I answered honestly and in detail. He expressed his dismay at my plight.

I responded, “It’s nothing that a trip to the quilt shop can’t fix.”

Just Desserts

As a kid, my grandmother instilled in me her love of cooking… creating new and exciting dishes and trying new recipes.  She taught me to be a little adventurous from time to time…

One day (possibly a weekday), way back in the early 70’s when I was a senior in high school,  inspiration struck as my best friend Jeannine and I sat in her boyfriend’s apartment watching soap operas and drinking coffee.  

Fits of giggles overtook us both.  This was indeed a spectacular idea!  

Once our giggles subsided, we set about planning the supper that we would create for Alan and his roommate, including a very special dessert, one neither of us had tasted, much less made.

We found a cookbook, leafed through it until we found what we wanted, then dashed to the grocery store to buy the necessary supplies.

Once back in the apartment, we went to work, deciding to make the Baked Alaska first since the recipe was new to both of us.  After preheating the oven, we found a baking sheet and placed the slab of Angel Food cake in the center, then heaped strawberry ice cream on top and covered the whole concoction with meringue.

One of us opened the oven door while the other slid the dessert inside.  But something was amiss…  the oven was cold!  We double-checked;  the control was set at the proper temperature…  and the knob was turned to ‘bake.’  

We realized that the oven was broken.  How would we finish our fabulous dessert, we wondered?

We paced the smallish kitchen, wracking our brains for a suitable solution…

And there it was!  Sitting proudly on a cupboard in the pantry.   It was a newfangled thing. This uncommon gadget known as a microwave oven…  that should work, we thought.  After all, it was an oven.

One of us, probably Jeanine, remembered something about not using metal cookware in this fancy new oven. “No problem,”  we thought, quickly grabbing a plate from the shelf and sliding our Baked Alaska from the baking sheet and onto the plate.  

Jeannine, more apt to read directions that I, opened the cookbook, scanning the recipe for baking time, as I put the plate inside the microwave and closed the door.  

“Four minutes at 500 degrees,”  she called out.  

The only options on the temperature knob were low, medium, and high.  I opted for high, then set the timer for four minutes.

We went back to the living room to watch another show while we waited, fairly sure that we’d hear the ding of the bell when it was done.   

We were correct.  The timer went off.  We hurried back to the kitchen, giggling again, anxious to see the browned tips of our beautiful meringue…

There were no browned tips on the meringue.  

In fact, there was no meringue…

Instead, we were greeted by a river of pink seeping under the door of the microwave, marching across the counter, cascading down the front of the white cupboard, and flowing across the tile floor.  Some of it found its way beneath the cupboard itself.

We were astonished and nearly broke our necks as our bare feet slipped and slid in the sticky pink mess.  Somehow, we managed to stay upright, although I don’t know how.

This oven was not even remotely similar to the one across the room!  Who knew?  Certainly not us!

Clean-up took the remainder of the afternoon.  We finished with mere minutes to spare before the guys came home from work.  

They cheerfully greeted us as they walked through the door.  “What have you two been doing all day?”

“Not much… we cleaned the kitchen for you.”

WHO’s THE BOSS?

Many of us become a little nervous as we walk through the clinic doors.  We hope the doctor won’t rock the boat and tell us things we don’t want to hear.

Sometimes though, alarming symptoms come on suddenly and increase our anxiety dramatically.  I had just such an experience a few months back…

My heart was doing this jitterbug thing inside my chest.  Every day, many times a day, for roughly two months… right up until the day I was scheduled for cardiac tests.  Then it ceased the dance and behaved itself;  for three whole days.  Once the threat of committing cardiac misbehavior to my permanent record passed, my ticker resumed its jitterbug.  In fact, it partied up a storm inside my chest.

It all began with a couple of falls.  The first time, I awoke to the call of nature.  I stood up quickly, only to find myself breaking a fall a second or two later.  I hit my head on the corner of the closet doorway.  I went back to bed, I wasn’t concerned enough to give up precious sleep.  Later, my alarm jangled, and I arose to shut it off (it sits on my dresser across the room to ensure that I actually get out of bed)… then I fell a second time.

Later that morning Jim took me in to Urgent Care.  We were a little concerned about the combination of cardiac symptoms, two falls (and the resultant bump on my head), and the tired feeling with lack of energy that I had been experiencing lately.  

I was told that I might be a little dehydrated.  Doctor’s orders were to drink more water and go to the emergency room if my heart re-started its jitterbug.  

That didn’t take long…

A mere thirty-six hours later, in the emergency room,  it was determined that I was having many PVC’s (premature ventricular contractions;  extra beats).  PVC’s are usually harmless, but need to be checked out to be sure.  Especially if a person has fallen for no apparent reason.  I needed to consult my primary physician who in turn ordered cardiac testing and referred me to a specialist.  Both doctors wanted me to return to the emergency room if cardiac symptoms returned and they clearly ordered me to avoid stimulants of any kind;  no chocolate, no sugar, and worst of all:  no caffeine.  

I paid them to tell me that…

I offered a compromise;  they could have the chocolate and sugar, but I wanted my coffee.  After all, I reasoned, I had given up alcohol, cigarettes, and sweets.  They couldn’t expect me to give up everything!  

Both doctors were kind about it, but caffeine stayed on the naughty list, nonetheless.

Since it was my heart we were talking about, I begrudgingly followed their advice.  I avoided stimulants and visited the emergency room when symptoms were most persistent.  

The majority of the doctors took me seriously.  Once, when I was having near constant PVC’s, my primary doctor told me to go back to the ER to be checked out..  The doctor there was a bit arrogant… he blew off my cardiac concerns and told me I was suffering from anxiety.  He surmised that I was just upset because my mother died at my age.  He told me to go home and take Ativan… ‘take two if you want,” he said.  

I might have bought that if I wasn’t chemically dependant (clean and sober for 27 years and counting)…  And if I didn’t know that something just wasn’t right.

A week or so later, I saw the cardiologist, a woman who smiled pleasantly as she advised a diet of 80% -90% fresh fruits and vegetables, more whole grains and legumes, and less red meat to improve my lipid profile.  She said that eating dark green leafy vegetables every day would improve my numbers.  She would have liked me to start a medication to lower my cholesterol, a statin, but I wanted to try diet and lifestyle changes first.  She ordered me to avoid stimulants until we knew why my heart was doing the jitterbug. Then she ordered a 30 day event recorder, and referred me to the electrocardiologist for my rhythm issue.

After I finished the event recorder, I saw the next doctor, the ‘electrician,’ who walked in saying, ‘This is real.  I believe you.’  

I nearly fainted with relief!

He explained that my arrhythmia was related to hormonal changes in my body, to which I responded “Menopause.”

“NO!  This is common in your age group, but it is not part of menopause.  The good news is that it is not harmful in any way.”

I was encouraged.  I dared ask, “Coffee?”

He replied, “You can drink coffee.  It has no effect on this condition.”

I listened as he explained three treatment options.  First, I could do nothing, my condition was not harmful but did zap my energy. Second, the doctor could perform an ablation and cauterize the node or nodes in my heart that were causing the extra beats, permanently putting them out of commission.  Thirdly, I could take medication to control the symptoms.  

He advised taking a prescription to control the PVC’s and I agreed to give it a try.  As a result, my quality of life is much improved, and I have my energy back.

Reflecting back, I realize that things were happening over which I had no control and I didn’t like that feeling of being in a vortex, spinning erratically.  For a moment, I even slapped the big red ‘V’ on my forehead and briefly saw myself as a victim.  

I heard people telling me what to do.  They gave me orders.  

And worse yet, I paid them to do that…

Then, I had an epiphany…  

It dawned on me that no doctor could order me to do anything.  They could only make recommendations.  Mere suggestions based on their knowledge and experience.  I knew that they were most likely correct, but it still rankled.   

I sought them out.  I asked for their expertise.  Still, I stubbornly clung to the thought that they couldn’t make me do a darn thing.  I had to find a way to use that stubbornness to my advantage.  The Finns call that sisu.  

Only I can change my diet and lifestyle.  Only I control what goes in my mouth.  I am the boss.

As it happened, I gave the doctor’s recommendations a lot of thought.  I talked to my husband and several close friends.  We carefully weighed the options and in the end, I chose to follow the doctor’s advice.  I chose to avoid stimulants.  I chose to change my diet. Those were their recommendations and my choices;  my life is better because I chose to take that path.  My lipid profile is much improved, my energy is back and I feel good.  I have lost weight, and my body mass index is now within the normal range.  That last doctor actually told me I was not overweight.

And I can drink coffee.  

Food for Thought

I’d never seen this guy before today.  I might have been nervous had I not been in a public place in broad daylight, surrounded by dozens of people, including my own personal knight in shining armor… um… I mean… camouflage.  My husband Jim.   He’s really a marshmallow, but he can be intimidating if he chooses.  

A few minutes earlier, this unknown man stood patiently behind me, waiting, as I filled my first plate. He wasn’t doing anything wrong… he was just… there.  Watching me.  

I wandered through the buffet, checking out the fare, before returning to our booth.  Jim and I chatted as we ate, talking about everyday things… errands we needed to run:  a stop at the pharmacy, haircuts, groceries we were running low on.  I didn’t mention this stranger, choosing to shrug it off instead.  After all, he hadn’t actually done anything.

I polished off my salad.  Jim was still working on his plate.  I walked up for round two, grabbing a plate as I rounded the first steam table, heading straight for the chicken (baked, not fried: white meat, never dark).  Then I piled on the broccoli & carrots and added a few roasted string beans.  One potato wedge joined the party.  I went back to the salad bar for a couple of pickled beets.  

That’s when I saw him again.  And clearly, he was heading straight for me…  

I tried not to notice.

He wore a black t-shirt, blue jeans, and a leather biker jacket, also black.  His hair was silver and his beard was neatly trimmed.    He walked toward me with purpose, making his way through the crowd, paying no attention to the food.  I watched with trepidation…

As he got close, he glanced down at my plate.  “Wow,  that’s some healthy food!”

“I try,”  I replied, more than a little surprised.

“I can’t resist the sauerkraut,”  he added with a chuckle.  “Must be my German heritage.”

Two thoughts occurred to me.. the first was surprise at his comment.  I’m not sure what I expected him to say, but a compliment on my food choices wasn’t it!  The second was “They’ve got sauerkraut?  Where?”

Up in the Air

     Today, I have the distinct honor of hosting a guest… my cousin Dean.  There is a ten-year age difference between us, so he was always one of the ‘little kids.’  Since our early years, he pursued his dream of becoming an airline pilot.  A family tragedy provided the opportunity for us to re-connected recently, and I am richer now because of that experience.  

     The following is copied from his Facebook post, and posted here with his permission.  Thanks, Dean!    

     A little excitement on American flight #428 today from Salt Lake City to Denver…..it was my leg to fly. Everything was uneventful from pre-flight, passenger boarding, servicing the airplane to taxi out, departure and initial climb. There was an overcast layer of clouds that we climbed rapidly through in our Boeing 757-200, the greatest aircraft that I have been blessed to fly in my 27 years as a pilot.
     We leveled off a FL 310 (31,000) and as we were marveling at the view of the Rocky Mountains stretching as far as we could see. Suddenly our smooth flight took a turn for the worse. The Master Warning (Red) lights glared in our faces while simultaneously the fire bell began blaring loudly and incessantly. We sprang into action. I punched the master warning light, which silenced the bell, immediately calling for the memory items for the Engine Fire/Severe Damage/Separation checklist.
     I reached up and turned off the auto throttle switch, then grabbed the left engine thrust lever, confirmed–idle. The captain identified the left fuel control switch, confirmed–cutoff. He then identified the left engine fire control switch, confirmed–pull. He rotated the handle to blow the first fire extinguisher.
     I instinctively pushed forward the right thrust lever and pushed the right rudder to compensate for the loss of thrust. At the same time, the Captain made a “Mayday, Mayday, Mayday” call to ATC (Air Traffic Control)…..we would not be able to maintain altitude for much longer. Salt Lake Center cleared us to descend to FL 190 and I set the power for a gradual descent.
     I had the easy part–just flying the jet. Again, the 757 is built to handle just this kind of emergency–lots of thrust and great control once you get it down from the rare air of 30 thousand plus. The captain ran the checklists, coordinated with ATC and the company, and set the flight attendants to preparing for an emergency landing in Denver. He calmly assured the passengers that they were in the very capable hands of a skilled pilot–I appreciated that, by the way!
     The approach and landing were exciting–you don’t do this everyday, you know? That little bit of extra adrenaline tightened my scan and the glide slope and localizer needles were locked in with our airspeed stabilized at 150 knots, the target speed. The touchdown was smooth, on the center line of runway 34R and at about the 1500 foot point, right where I wanted it.
     As we rolled out the Captain asked the Airport Rescue Firefighting personnel if the indicated any heat from the right engine from their infrared sensors. Thankfully, the answer was “No.” We turned to taxi off the runway.
     At this point, Dave leaned forward and said “Park the brakes and do your shutdown checklist. Great check ride guys!!”
    Now I sit on a regional jet in Dallas/Fort Worth on my way to Cedar Rapids and a few days off with my girls before I take to the skies in a real jet on Saturday for Manchester, England–qualified for another 9 months on the line.
    I gotta say, I love my job!  Simulated emergencies, and all!

 
 
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